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BYT’s Guide for Straight Guys Getting Laid at Gay Pride
June 5, 2014 | 9:00AM

We originally ran this piece for 2011 Pride. Things have not changed. -ed.

Pride is this weekend.  While you may think it is an all-out man-on-man and girl-on-girl fest (it is) it is also the best time of year for straight guys to get laid.  No, we’re not talking about a “Come on, dude, just this one time!” experimental phase.  We’re talking full-on HETEROSEXUAL filthiness.  So, we proudly present our third annual Straight Guy’s Guide for Getting Laid at Gay Pride.
Tip #1: Work your gay friends.  If you haven’t picked up on it yet, gay guys make the best wingmen for straight dudes.  We’re popular, don’t mind talking with the “other” friend of the girl you’re trying to hit on, and realize that straight women trust whatever we tell them (We’ve gotten Liza to marry at least two of us over the years).
straightgirl2
Tip #2: Seek out Straight Girls.  Pride weekend is a gift to any straight guy smart enough to use it. If you go to gay pride, you will get laid…with a girl. Gay men are fun, and good looking. Thousands of their straight girlfriends know that and will turn out to fill the parade route and local parties like “Somewhere…”.  Any straight girl in a gay bar is secretly hoping to find that one needle-in-a-haystack straight boy who happens to be there as well. If you’re smart enough to show that you are comfortable hanging out with your gay buddies in a gay bar, those are bonus points for you.
carsonk
Tip #3: Pre-Game with Gay Dudes. Contrary to stereotype, most gay men do not want to hook up with their straight buddies.  This is mostly due to the fact that you are wearing pleated pants and those God-awful Teva sandals on your feet (and according to the CDC there is a greater chance in the straight community that straight men listen to the Dave Matthews Band and the Black Eyed Peas).  You could be totes cute if you just pre-gamed this weekend with a couple of your gay friends.  No, most gay men do not know how to give you a make-over, but chances are we’ll be with a friend who can.  Give us 20 minutes and we’ll hook you up with some manly style points that will impress the ladies.
Tip #4: Be Sensitive around Gay People. Showing you’re knowledgeable about gay culture will allow the new gay people in your life to be more trusting of you.  Know that gay men drink Diet Coke and never Coke. Note that the Tony’s are this Sunday.  DON’T MENTION GAGA!  While half of all gay men are over-the-top for Lady Gaga, half seem to loathe her.  It’s best just not to walk into that minefield.
gaydog
Tip #5: Bring a dog (or a kid).  Women and gay men love dogs. Bring yours out to the parade route and introduce it to strangers by explaining “Yeah, my dog is gay, but I love him.  He’s totally into other dudes, so I wanted to bring him out to the parade.”  Women will fall for that shit. Gay men will think you’re so adorable that they’ll want to hook you up with their hot girl friends (When your boy dog is later caught humping a girl dog, simply explain it away by saying “I guess he was just going through a phase!”).  Kids are chick-magnets as well, but just don’t tell strangers that you’re two year old niece is gay.  One request – leave your dog at home if visiting the Capital Pride Festival on Sunday. Pennsylvania Avenue is just way too hot for the comfort of pets, but we’ll see you and Lassie at the parade.
smirnoffpom
Tip #6 : Bring vodka.  Vodka is the national drink of the gays.  According to Catholic tradition, Jesus served vodka at the pre-game before the last supper.  Bring it to a party hosted by a gay man and we’ll hook you up with whatever girl you want.  Smirnoff pomegranate is totally the flavor of the pride season this year.
bypony1
Tip #7: Get your ass to the Dock5 on Friday for BYT & Capital Pride Present: Somewhere… Blast Off! This is THE party to be at!  This is a party for gay men, gay women, straight boys and hot straight girls.  We want our straight friends to be there.
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Recent Comments:
  • Anonymous says:

    All you saying “Pride isn’t a time for straight men” blah blah blah are FUCKING DUMB! If straight men/women are there to support you and your sexual orientation fully and publicly, why do you have the right to hold them back from having some great sex after a great day with great people? Fuckers..

  • Samm says:

    I’m a married straight woman with tons of gay friends and relatives. I want to attend with my entire family including my two young children because it’s important to me that they embrace the diversity of our fakily, our city and our world. I can’t wait! Heading to the parade now!

  • Anonymous says:

    The point of pride is that it’s a space for queer people to feel safe and celebrated. It is NOT a place for straight guys to go find girls to hit on. As a femme lesbian I am often hit on my straight guys mistaking my orientation (and then aggressively challenging it). I don’t need this at pride. This is our event, and while we love our allies, if you want to join, do it for the right reasons. Everything in life is made for heterosexual men. Pride is not one of those things.

    It doesn’t matter if a gay dude wrote this. It doesn’t excuse how utterly terrible it is.

  • Tyler says:

    This is super offensive.

    • Tony says:

      Please stop using “super” alongside “offensive” as that is also offensive. There’s nothing super about offensive things. Also by placing them next to one another you’re denigrating a wonderful word (“super”).

      • Anonymous says:

        Used as an adverb: super means especially or particularly. It may seem common but it being used correctly. Check yourself before you post corrections.

  • Carly says:

    As a straight girl going to Pride and hoping to get laid as well, I’m highly offended by all the people here saying that it’s wrong for a guy to want to get with me. Puh-lease! I put on make-up,shave my legs, and bought a new dress. Do I support gay rights and my gay friends and am I proud of them? Hell YEAH! Do I expect to get taken to pound town tonight by a young buck I met there. Hell Yeah! And guess what? I DON’T want a relationship with him, and might not ever even see him again! So all you “that’s date rape”-ers can enjoy being all offended and aghast on the dance floor while my gay friends support my joy as well a theirs. Sounds like you’ll have SUCH a fun Pride.

    • Anonymous says:

      There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to get yours. The reason people are offended by this article is that this is not a celebration of everyone getting some. It is a cheap ploy to try and get straight dudes out to gay pride by using women as bait. It may have been written as a joke but it is misogynistic, contributes to rape culture and uses the LGBT community as a prop for a straight man to get laid. This is Gay pride and a celebration of freedom and liberation for the LGBT community. This article degrades the event and caters to the straight man, ie. the mainstream. Yes, people may be taking it seriously but as BYT is a sponsor and host of the opening party for gay pride, it is offensive and in poor taste. You do you, hun. No one is trying to stop anyone from getting their groove on, but in general, shit like this has no place in today’s society, especially during Pride week. Oh and I’m a straight woman who is doing mah thing as well.

  • Geoff says:

    Successfully convinced someone not to buy a ticket to this today because of this article. “Bring vodka to a party and we’ll hook you up with whatever girl you want.” What? WHAT?! That’s called rape!

    • Wha-huh? says:

      Bringing Vodka to a party and eventually hooking up with a girl is rape? How’s that?

      • Jade says:

        It’s offensive because it’s not about straight guys just enjoying the day and also getting laid. But saying that bringing vodka to your gay friends will allow you to hook up with any girl you want, you are completely disregarding the fact that said girl might not want to hook up with you. You’re disregarding that she has a say at all. Which while it may end up mutual, it is blatantly encouraging rape culture. Also, I agree with not only the fact that straight women come to support and perhaps be in a place where they’re not getting groped every time they step onto a dance floor, I also am a femme lesbian who sure as shit wants to enjoy the safe space pride creates and not feel uncomfortable the time when I’m supposed to be away from that crap. Everyone is welcome to come and get laid and be merry. But this reads like a manual on how to use gay men to help you trick girls into sleeping with you. The discussion about rape culture has opened up so much since this was originally posted and you guys should keep up. And don’t pull that “why are you getting so serious? It’s a joke.” bullshit because that’s the reason crap like this continues to get posted. It’s offensive as fuck and people are allowed to stand up for themselves and call out bullshit they see.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow this is really offensive…

  • Sarah says:

    I’m really really disappointed in BYT for this article. Pride is not a time for straight guys, so lets not suggest people invade other peoples’ spaces.

  • Jessica says:

    This is insulting and disgusting. Delete this article and apologize, BYT. To straight men who think this is “helpful”, three things: 1) Lesbians exist. We do not wear a giant L on our clothing for your convenience. I am sick of being harassed by drunk straight men at the one place that’s supposed to be safe from that bullshit. 2) Straight women go to Pride to support their gay friends and to support a community that’s still struggling for equality, NOT to vie for your attention. 3) Your gay friends are NOT your props. This party is for THEM, to celebrate THEM — so, unlike the rest of the year and most other places, nothing about THIS is about you. Deal with it. You have most of the city and the rest of the year to get laid.

  • Anonymous says:

    Really?

  • Mick says:

    As a gay man with a straight man as my best friend this article really didn’t bother me. I’ve hooked up before, why shouldn’t he? The only thing I take mild issue with is misrepresenting yourself or your friend to get laid.

    • PearlClutchers says:

      But, Mick! This is offensive to so many cisgender, handy-capable, thinkers on the interwebz! If any–and I mean ANY–straight men dare to come celebrate gay pride they had better rub one out before leaving home. They aren’t allowed to be horny, only the gays.

  • Clint Davis says:

    This is disgusting.

  • Anonymous says:

    BYT, I think the best thing to do at this point would be apologize and/or remove the article.

  • kitty says:

    Spot on 100 percent. Love it.

  • B says:

    This is really disgusting. I would incredibly embarrassed to be the author of this article. Shame on you, BYT. Maybe run articles like this by the BrightestYoungGays crew, I’m sure they would be just as disgusted.

  • Katie says:

    Shame on you BYT for taking away from the celebration of Pride in a demeaning and misogynistic way. This article is what is wrong with our culture as a whole. Pride is about celebrating the Queer community and the struggles they have overcome and still have to overcome daily. Demeaning it to a way for a straight guy to get laid is just horrendous. As a straight woman who frequents gay and lesbian establishments, I’m offended by your comments about girls “hoping” to find a straight guy in a gay bar. If ANY straight female is in a gay bar for that reason, she shouldn’t be there. Shame on you BYT.

    • YouGottaPoint says:

      Exactly, Katie – as you said, ” If ANY straight female is in a gay bar for that reason,” (to get laid) “…she shouldn’t be there.” I think it’s high time that we create and circulate a list of reasons motives as to why someone shouldn’t be at a bar. It could be called “Katie’s List” (like Angie’s list but different).

  • Anonymous says:

    Seriously BYT? How on earth did you find this an okay article to run not once but twice. Not only does it sound like a frat guy’s guide to trying to snag girls with rapey undertones it also craps all over the fact that this is Gay Pride! Way to take away from the event and what Pride represents in a plea to get to your straight male demographic. Just wow. Poor form.

  • Rob says:

    Some Maxim magazine level bullshit right here.

  • Anonymous says:

    I’m sorry, since when was Pride about strategies for straight dudes to manipulate heterosexual women into having sex with them?

    “We’re popular, don’t mind talking with the “other” friend of the girl you’re trying to hit on, and realize that straight women trust whatever we tell them.”

    “Any straight girl in a gay bar is secretly hoping to find that one needle-in-a-haystack straight boy who happens to be there as well.” No, no, and no.

    Really sad that an article about Pride is both so homophobic and misogynistic all at the same time.

    • Anonymous says:

      News Flash: For many straight guys, EVERY event including Pride is about strategies to manipulate heterosexual women into having sex with them. Then again, for many gay guys EVERY event including Pride is about strategies to manipulate other homosexual men into having sex with them. …only, it doesn’t take that much manipulation.

      “Really sad that an article about Pride is both so homophobic and misogynistic all at the same time.” –Not only that but as a purveyor of gin, I’m highly offended that they spoke so heavily of vodka. Why not show equal respect to a variety of alcohol?

  • Alex says:

    Yo, fuck you BYT. Everything is already about straight dudes. Can we have one fucking thing that isn’t about you? ONE FUCKING THING? This is a space for the queer community. And also, did I mention, FUCK YOU.

    • Ken says:

      Alex, please stop using “queer,” it’s a slur, it originated as a variant of “odd,” “weird” and “strange” and it’s highly offensive.

      • Addison says:

        Ken – PLEASE! Many of us still use QUEER and are PROUD OF BEING “QUEER”! For Christ’s sake – there was the gay activist group “QUEER ACTION” in the New York City in the 90s. Where have you been living? Under a rock?

        • Ken says:

          Your tone seems very pointed. Please stop using the Lord’s name in vain and also I feel like implying that anyone lives under a rock is derogatory. Your whole comment is super offensive.

          • @Addison (This is Ken) says:

            Thanks! You’re making EXACTLY the point I was making! :) We’re in agreement!

          • Addison says:

            You know what Ken honey? YOU are “offensive” – trying to rein in the rest of us and setting what you think are acceptable standards for “being gay.” Get over yourself and stop policing. We are who we want to be – and for many of us that is QUEER and PROUD to be QUEER!

  • Kevin says:

    Bringing alcohol to a party to get girls drunk so they’ll sleep with you is date rape. Also “any straight girl is secretly hoping…” just no that’s also how rape happens. Take this down. I only heard about this because a bunch of people are sending it around saying “don’t buy BYT because of this article.”

  • Stuart says:

    This is disgusting. Pride is about creating a safe space for the queer community. Nobody gives a flying fuck about whether or not you get your straight dick wet. Can we not have this ONE THING? Shame on you BYT, sucks that I have to plan my pride weekend around boycotting your parties now.

    • Sarah says:

      How dare you use humor and satire on this site. Joy is not the point of Pride. In fact, this event should simply be called Contentment as pride seems too exuberant, which is how heart attacks happen. Please think of people who have heart-issues. Heart disease is the #1 cause of death in America. FOR SHAME!

  • Anonymous says:

    “Be Sensitive around Gay People.” BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE TRYING TO GET LAID. Really, BYT? What a bummer article.

  • Alix says:

    You do know women can be gay too, right?

  • calamity says:

    This post is amazing.

    - straight girl who bought her Newseum ticket months ago

  • Begla says:

    You fools! you’ve missed a perfect opportunity to force the breeder scum to pay fealty to our noble race of teh Homo!

    The advice should have run:

    (1) Go to Claire’s and buy pretty much anything with sparkles.

    (2) Get a vasectomy

    (3) Profit

  • Frank says:

    Love it.

  • Tyler says:

    im gay for this article

    • VenusUranus says:

      Sorry, Tyler. My other comment was meant for the article, not specifically in response to you. :)

    • VenusUranus says:

      Oh please… when did people become such humorless whimps. They’re offended by EVERYTHING these days. It’s SO lame (wait, did I offend the lame by saying that?)! So it’s okay for gay guys–which I am–to look to get laid at events but not for straight guys? Whatever. This is CLEARLY written humorously. Untwist your panties already or sit on them and stay offended. lol Don’t care.