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Behind the Desk 75: Thank You, NRA
December 21, 2012 | 12:12PM

Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody at the Wonderland Ballroom in D.C. and in Baltimore, Brooklyn, Chicago and Philadelphia. Listen to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He’ll be hosting You, Me, Them, Everybody this Friday at the Wonderland Ballroom with house band Baja Blast, End of the world tips from Alexandra Petri  of The Washington Post, stand up from Mikey Larrick, music from Ryan McLaughlin from  Typefighter and advice from Sara Armour.

It’s been an extremely difficult week. Last week a tragedy in Connecticut changed the  world. Innocent children lost their lives for no reason. Unknown evil acted out in seemingly  unfathomable ways. We mourned. We are still mourning.

One week later the NRA has held their first press conference. Let me be the first to say, hallelujah! Let’s get real people! The time for thought and compassion is done!

Databases. All these people that have ‘mental illness’ disgust me. I see a therapist and  advocate taking prescribed medication to better ones mental health, but guys, let’s get real,  crazy people are a bunch of sickos. We need to database these people. Arm the databases.

You know what’s real? Video games! You think guns are the problem? Well, have you heard of a game called “Mortal Kombat?” Have you? THEY FIGHT IN SPACE! THEY FATALITY! That  is real. That type of real violence of a real fight in real outer space with real ice shooting out from real people that bleed blue and die real deaths multiple times in a tournament. That is real  violence. I, for one, have the courage to stand with the NRA to say that I do not want to see one more video game fatality. Arm the kids.

Realistic violence

Oh, I forgot, THERE ARE MORE VIDEO GAMES! Did you hear me? Arcades, Pizza Huts (TM) and PS3XBOX360GameBoys have more than “Mortal Kombat!” I know! It is jaw dropping. Did  you know there’s a game called “Splatterhouse?” I did not. The NRA told me about this game. A  butcher or someone that’s made of pixels carves meat or something made of pixels. Is this the  kind of job you want your kid to have? I think not. Arm the butchers.

This also exists.

Movies! Celluloid! More like cellu-sin! Movies, flicks, films, cinemas and other things with fake people acting fake glorify things like murder death! Did you know about murder death! Well,  maybe a little film like “American Psycho” will ring a bell. In that movie a white dude does not murder innocent children with a gun mom had because she was a hoarder and lived in a world where the NRA says it’s OK to be a hoarder and hoard guns. Yea! I said it! “American Psycho” directly led to a horrible tragedy. Arm Patrick Bateman.

This man has a very good physique and that makes me feel inferior and aroused and that makes me want to shoot my gun.

“Natural Born Killers.” Another movie with a very small niche audience that appealed to only cinephiles, and Tarantino and Nine Inch Nails fans! That film that no one watches anymore! That one led to a kid not having a good support system or unarmed mom or sympathy or compassion or sense of community. That film that no ones knows if the killer even saw directly led to a tragedy. Arm Oliver Stone.

This movie starring Woody and Chevy Chase’s daughter is directly responsible for all bad things.

You know when kids and adults play video games and movies? ‘Splatterday’! I know this is a dumb aside but that bro said ‘Splatterday’ and I’m not going to act like we don’t live in a magical world where a guy can go on a stage and say the word ‘Splatterday’ and act like god isn’t real. Arm god.

Listen, I know I’m writing controversial things, but you have to understand, I’m a good guy! Yes! I’m a good guy with a gun! Sometimes I’m a bad guy, but that’s only if you’re not a white guy in a first world country! If you are another white guy in a first world country and agree with whatever I say but not necessarily do then you understand. Since there’s no gray area and only my feelings (facts are dumb and for weak people) and I feel like a good guy, it’s cool. Arm good guys even though good is relative.

‘Splatterday.’ Fuck yes. Arm ‘Splatterday.’

Sports stadiums! I’m not exactly sure why the NRA bro brought this up but I always listen to white dudes that loves guns and have very odd comb-overs, so, yea, fuck sports stadiums! Or the other way! Either way. Arm sports stadiums.

Fuck debate! Action! Arm schools?

Wait a sec, really? I thought we were just going to blame not the actual problem again, but why not! Let’s go even further! Double down! Arm schools!

Oh yea, no questions. I do not take questions. I shoot first and ask no questions but do rant about things with non sequiturs. Arm questions.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.

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