So I slept with Robert Pattison (Is that right? Is that how his last name is spelled?). Yep. It was me. I totally made out all over his face. Me and Mr. Pattersen (Better?), We’re totally in love. He’s all Australian (Right?) and showed me his dingo. No? Wait. He’s all British (Yep.) and he showed me his Union Jack. And now we’re in love. L-U-V. Put a ring on something.

Wait. I’m getting this all wrong.

So I slept with Kristen Stewert (Got it!). Yep. It was me. I totally made out all over her face. Me and Ms. Stawert (Better?). We’re totally in love. She’s all Texan (Right?) and showed me her oil rig. No? Wait. She’s all Floridian (I’m not looking this one up) and showed me her VD and sadness. And now we’re in love. L-U-V. Put a ring on something.

I’m getting this all right.

I also slept with the werewolf and the kid that does flips when he’s not a werewolf and the lady on the lady magazine that plays a friend of a vampire or something and the writers and directors and PAs and drivers and the masseuse that showed up on set once a week and everyone in the town where these things were shot. But I mostly slept with the Kristana Steewart. Totally did that. I am now her husband/vampire/baby.

I do not care about this stuff. Obviously. But I know who these people are. That’s not right. I should not know about others infidelities. I should know about their movies (Stewart is great in “Adventureland” and not awful in “The Runaways”) but not much else. But this isn’t a screed against celebrity culture. Celebrity culture is fine. I do not blame “Extra!” for existing. Also, who watches “Extra!”? Do you know anyone that isn’t super sad/maybe you should do a weekly check-in call that likes “Extra!”? Viewings of “Extra!” should come with free therapy. Well, I believe in free therapy for all, but once again, I’m not on “Extra!” No. This isn’t about celebrity culture. It’s about the level below the celebrity culture, the reason why people know about a couple having relationship troubles, the very invested teenagers on YouTube.

Dear very invested teenagers posting videos about this on YouTube,

You are better than this. Sooner or later you will discover films like “Night of the Living Dead” and “Nosferatu” and “Twilight” will seem silly. You’ll become experts on television shows like “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Twin Peaks” and “Twilight” will seem silly. When things you once loved seem silly, it means you’re in a good place. If you love this one film/book so much that you make videos about the people that play roles in the movies and still love, L-U-V them and keep making videos about these people, well, there’s a problem. But I don’t think that’s what will happen to you. I’m sure you’re all very unique, creative flowers of individuality. But it’s hard to let that flower bloom when you’re saying things that are unhealthy into a camera.

And people laugh. They laugh at you. These people suck shit, but they will still laugh. So no more camera. For everyone’s sake. Feel free to talk about this with your friends. In person. Go out and talk to someone about this face to face. Trust me. It’ll be good.

Finally, the book was written by a Mormon lady that wants you to be a Mormon and never fuck. Like, ever. You do not get to have sex because of vampires? That’s nuts! Come on kids! Go have fun with bodies! Be safe and stuff, but really, it’s way better to fool around with another sad kid than to post videos about people that you’ll never meet. Trust me. I’m making out with a sad teen (19! Still a teen!) right now! It’s the best! Ever!

In conclusion, I slept with all of “Twilight.”

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.