By Brandon Wetherbee
Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody the first two Friday’s of the month at the Wonderland Ballroom and in Brooklyn and Chicago once a month. Subscribe to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He recently released “Holiday-ish,” a holiday album featuring 7 bands and 10 stand ups. Download it at youmethemeverybody.bandcamp.com.
I am a fan of Christmas music. I am an agnostic (I was an atheist until Tim Tebow beat the Bears. I’m six weeks away from becoming a devout Catholic and two Super Bowl rings from joining the priesthood.) that grew up in a music-less house. How can a household be devoid of beautiful sounds? We didn’t have a record player, tape player, CD player, boombox or radio. The warm, eerie glow of television brought the only music heard in the house until I was ten or so. Maybe because it wasn’t shoved into my skull I still like all the songs that one can hear in any mall or chain store between Halloween and New Years Day. After reading Shauna’s Scott Weiland Has Ruined Christmas piece last week, I’ve been thinking of ways for her and the rest of the not-insane public could enjoy Mr. Weiland’s attempt at holiday cheer.
It is the most wonderful time of the year (song reference!). If you’re single, the chances of hooking up due to family stress, merriment booze, mistletoe and/or elf/Santa/reindeer fetishes rise a billion percent.
- Broke? Hit up one of the many holiday parties thrown between the day after Thanksgiving and the day before Christmas Eve. You’ll feel like Tiny Tim, thrilled with your Christmas goose! (Someone, please buy me a Christmas goose.)
- Rich? Slum it at a hipster bar, crashing one of the hundreds of holiday parties held at every dive bar in the District. You’ll feel like Tiny Tim, but without the imminent death.
Baby, it’s cold outside (another song reference!). Everyone (most people, not everyone, I mean people that aren’t the first to take off their tops) looks better in ugly sweaters. Take advantage of the ham and cookies and ham-cookies presented most evenings. What other time of the year is it acceptable, if not encouraged, to become the fat and jollier version of yourself?
With all of that in mind, the ideal soundtrack for divorcing oneself from the next morning is holiday music. Scott Weiland’s “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” is easily one of the best collections of songs to divorce oneself from all of reality. I’m not saying it is a good album full of good music, I’m saying it’s appropriate. So, Shauna, the way to enjoy this album is to be drunk. Really, really drunk. Not wasted. Not tipsy. Good ol fashioned drunk. The kind of drunk you can get a holiday party but not at a bar. Warm and surrounded by friends who don’t normally do shots but now we’re all doing shots and is anyone keeping track of how many shots we did wooooooo drunk. Time and a place. What if you’re listening to other Christmas music? How can one enjoy non-STP frontman made tunes? Does it really matter? After the Ozzy and Jessica Simpson collaboration, does any other Christmas music matter?
What’s that? You’ve never heard such a beautiful rendition of a classic song? The video production has crossed over from embarrassingly low rent to avant-garde genius? Yep. After this thing was birthed into existence by all that is good and evil, nothing in all of humanity has seemed that bad. Sure, the best holiday related thing has been created and nothing will ever come close to matching its brilliance again, but so what? Let’s all have a little fun, even lil’ Scotty Weiland!
So, to sum it up, just drink some booze.
Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.