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A 2.5 Year Old’s Thoughts On Lady Gaga’s “Applause”
August 13, 2013 | 12:45PM

As a pale person, both in complexion and spirit, I don’t get overly jazzed for family vacations to places like the beach. Needless to say, I was not mega-enthused at the prospect of heading to Bethany with my mom, sister and niece Charlotte this past weekend, but FORTUNATELY I am easily enticed by simple incentives. And what was my carrot this time? I went to TJ Maxx last week to buy new bedsheets, and I happened upon a rack filled with tiny Adidas tracksuits; I IMMEDIATELY decided to purchase one for Charlotte, and though I was slightly bummed they didn’t have the red ones in her size (no Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum dress-up times), they DID have a blue one that would do nicely for making her look like a mini chav. And so, in hopes of styling a 2.5 year old to look like a mildly offensive British stereotype, I agreed to go along on vacation.

Just because I was on holiday (we’ll speak British from this point on to get into the mini chav spirit), it didn’t mean I was exempt from work, so I spent most of the time in front of my laptop while the rest of my family soaked up UV rays in the great, sandy outdoors. When they were at the pool yesterday, I became aware that Lady Gaga’s “Applause” (the first single off ARTPOP) had been made available for streaming, and so I decided that we would soon gauge Charlotte’s innocent, untarnished opinion of the track. Here is how she felt about it:

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Can you do me a favor and tell me whether or not you like this song, Charlotte?

Okay.

Okay, let’s get your headphones on…

[Laughing] Yeah!

No, there’s not anything playing yet. Wait a minute and THEN tell me if you like it. Okay, now what do you think?

A sound!

Yes, that’s right, there’s a sound! Do you like the sound?

Nooooooo.

No? Why not? What would make it better?

Playing…games.

So there you have it, Lady Gaga. Less bad sounds, more playing games, and you’ll have yourself a spot on the Toddler Top 40!

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