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10 Irresponsible, Fun Drinks From Antiquity
April 3, 2014 | 11:00AM

1. Four Loko (ca. 2010)

It was a caffeinated malt liquor beverage flavored like a children’s after-school delight, with fruity sucrose heavy syrup and a touch of carbonation. Those elements paired with it’s tall-boy stature and $1.50 price tag made it immensely popular– but anyone who had two or more of these things had strange and unpredictable episodes of stealing, fighting, and other petty crime. It was ordered by the courts to remove the caffeine and people took to the stores in mass hysteria buying cases of the deadly tonic before it ran out.

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2. The Mind Eraser (ca. 2008)

This doozy is a three layered Kahlua, Vodka, and Soda that is for companions to drink, with a soda straw, in a race to the bottom of the glass. To quote David Spade in PCU “nobody wins, because everyone’s a loser.” It lived up to it’s name and went down so painlessly, and with such ritual, that having 4 or 5 was common.

3. Sparx (ca. 2006)

The original caffeinated malt liquor beverage was the more tame of the two, quickly becoming a hit at dance parties. It mostly hot wired the brain and tricked you into liking Simian Mobile Disco.
Since it existed BI (Before Instagram), when photos were taken haphazardly, with blaring flash on a digital camera, there is a period in the geological record of FB photos known as the Sparx era– the drink left orange lips and outer-mouth on anyone who drank it without a straw; a trait which was colloquially known as Sparx Mouth. It tasted like orange soda that somebody had used to soak a thousand pennies.

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4. Delirium Tremens (ca. 2005)

It was a $9 beer that suddenly was huge at dive bars. It was very hoppy, it was a little sour, and it made no sense– that is until you drank 3 of them, at which point an imbiber was left with the capacity to perform 3 social functions: dance, kiss, and fight. With every additional DT, the person would lose yet another function. We lost a lot of good men out there.

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5. Rumple Minze (ca. 2005)

It was meant to be a digestif. Something peppermint flavored and syrupy to cap off a feast of sausage and potatoes and cabbage and whatever else Germans eat. It was supposed to be classy.
There was one problem: it was 100 proof and sold at every bar. It wasn’t long before service industry folk were toasting each other with this stuff and anyone who’s worked in a bar knows that drinking trends are born after last call. The rest is “geschichte.”

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6. The Irish Car Bomb (ca. 2000)

It’s a Guinness. Nobody chugs a Guinness– except if you drop a shot of Baileys and a shot of Jameson into the pint glass, thus causing an eruption of chocolate beer milkshake that you better slam as fast possible, lest you be left with an undrinkable curdled slop. Like the mind eraser: this is a race, however the human gut can only hold a couple of these at most. More people have vomited nationwide from Car Bombs than have vomited from the Gravitron

7. Red Bull and Vodka (ca. 1999)

This impractical and quite gross beverage was indicative of it’s time. Before Red Bull, the only energy drink known to man was called Jolt Cola and it was basically for truckers and teens. But once this $3 small can of European seeming stuff came out, America grew wings and flew to the most obnoxious trance music lounges. For a while they would actually pour the Red Bull from a can and the whole affair cost upwards of $11 a pop in even the most layman of bars.

8. Gin and Juice (ca. 1993)

A rapper made a song about combining Tanguerey gin and orange juice. Everyone in America suddenly forgot that gin is for alcoholic aunts that close-talk you at Thanksgiving, and began drinking this stuff in excess. The noxious liquor is usually only tolerable in small amounts, but when masked by orange juice, the juniper flavored drink is suddenly potable by the gallon, and when paired with blunts of marijuana, it became a perfect recipe for late onset misogyny and white people dancing.

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9. The Boiler Maker (ca. 1985)

One late afternoon, a working man named Skeet Trubelle ordered a shot and a beer. He had just left his ball breaking job, and stopped in for a drink, knowing he would only go home to a ball breaking wife. He sighed a long sigh and dropped the shot into the beer and drank the whole thing down. He felt, for a while, like a bad ass. This began the Boiler Maker, a shot of whiskey dropped into a brew and thrown back.

10. The Shot (ca. 1849)

During the California gold rush, prospectors began taking celebratory slugs of liquor whenever they discovered gold. The tradition carried over well into the 1850s and beyond to celebrate any occasion, or to commiserate over any tragedy, or to mark any milestone large or small. It is the first irresponsible fun drink.

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  • Frankly says:

    Sorry to tell you this but I drank a boilermaker in 1971 & nobody thought it was a new idea then either.

    Also, I love DT, although I have never had more than 2 of them in a sitting. Its not an every day beer but it does have a nice spicy taste and good body

  • Anonymous says:

    no mention of Champale. none of us would have gotten laid in the 70′s without it

  • OldSchoolDrunkard says:

    A booilermaker is a shot of whiskey chased with a beer, not dropped in a beer. THAT is called a depth charge. Boilermakers are from the early 1900s at least.

  • Sweetness says:

    Pretty sure this is a gag article, and the dates are fabrications to enhance the joke. I know you golden girls want to have heard of it before it was cool, but relax an tip one for ole Skeet Trubelle.

  • Bryan says:

    The boilermaker is a LOT older than 1985. Many decades older.

  • Anonymous says:

    Boilermaker 1985? More like as soon as the Irish made whisky to go with their beer. I had my first in 1971 at age 15.

  • Anonymous says:

    When I was a young Marine I had friends who drank Gin and Juice and I’ve been out of the ‘Corps since 92.

  • Anonymous says:

    “Before Red Bull, the only energy drink known to man was called Jolt Cola and it was basically for truckers and teens.”

    Is it possible the writer has never heard of coffee?

  • Anonymous says:

    Irish Car Bombs have been around since the late 70s

  • Anonymous says:

    Red Bull was popular in the US in the early 1990s. It did not suddenly become popular with alcohol nine years later. You were probably not born until much later.

  • Richard Cranium says:

    Rumple Minze (ca. 2005) ????? BS, I drank RM back
    in the early 70′s (1970 that is)

  • Anonymous says:

    Sorry, but the boilermaker was invented long before 1985. They were legend when I was young in the ’60s, and I drank them in the Navy in the 70′s. The legend I heard was that they were drunk by steelworkers and boilermakers in Pennsylvania before they went to work. Not sure of the origin, but well before 1985. Oh, and we drank Rumple Minze in college in the 80′s. A young person obviously wrote this article.